End it already.

I was raised in a fake family.

Fake Smile.

Fake Relationship.

Fake happiness.

Fake everything.

I said the right things.

Did the right things. Then, suddenly , I just didn’t want to do that anymore. I got tired of being the ‘fake’ one of my group of friend. The one who was always smiling and always happy.  I need pills to survive and be normal just for a bit. They don’t help much. They never help much. Like now, I need something to calm me down. A knife wont do much. Nothing will do. It’s like, I do really good and then everything just falls apart. I don’t like being fake. I don’t like talking to teachers like everything is just fine and dandy when NOTHING is fine. Nothing is the way it should be. I’m not going to be nice to my teachers when ive had the worst day of my life. I hate school. I hate EVERYONE THERE. I wish I had a re-do button. I’d redo the day my mom got knocked the hell up and had me. Because, I obviously, was a mistake.

Sometimes i wish i had the courage to say no. But, that would mean i cared. I do care about something though. This. I care about my blog. And i care about how everyone acts strong. But inside they want to cry their eyes out. How you act like you hate this one person but on the inside you're dying to be their friend again. How you want to share stories because for at least 3 minutes you felt good with that person. They were your best friend. Your sister. Brother. Parent. 

Then, everyone just disappears. Nobody talks to anybody anymore. We all are in this war. My dad only talks to me when I'm in trouble. Or when his lazy ass doesnt want to get up and do something. Sure, blame it on the pain. Do you have to go to school knowing that behind your back people are ready to stab you with a knife? Like, literally. And, you have kids. a 2 year old and a 9 year old. You can forget me, I'm not your kid. You say joshua is his own person. That he's old enough to be responsible for himself. Now tell me how exactly is he going to go out and buy himself new pants because you refuse to buy him some? And new shoes. 

Me? I'm fine. I'm surviving off of clothing from the 6th freaking grade. 

I lied again. I'm not fine. My head is pounding. My heart feels stopped. It's hard to breathe. And this is all in my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The voices. I suppose their in my head too huh? 

I need help. No, you know what I need? An adult. Someone I can spill my guts out to and they wont say anything. Not a stupid counselor who will tell me to move on. Someone like a parent. Who wont hit me the second I say something that is right. The children are always wrong, Priscilla. 

When I was a kid, I was soooo happy with whatever I had. I lived up to my parents' expectations. They never lived up to mine. Everyone use to say 'I wanna be like my mommy and Daddy when i grow up!' I don't. I actually want to be there for my kid. Not dump them for a random guy. No thank you. I'll pass. 

I was in the car today with her and that guy and i was imagining him and Jen. How happy he is with Jen and how I desperately with that he was like that with me. That he'd talk to me instead of yell. That he'd hug me instead of hit me. But that's not happening is it? Will I always be the rejected child? At school. At home. Everywhere.

I'm so skinny its ridiculous. I try and try to gain weight but it's not working out. I have 3,000 layers of bags under my eyes. Because I can never get enough sleep in between crying,crying, and worrying about tomorrow.  It's amazing how low my dad thinks I am. That im the worst child out there. Do i do drugs father? No. Yet he still gave me a drug test. Do i go out and party every god damn night? No. Yet i cant be let out of his damn sight. Do i get good grades? YES. For the past billion years i've kept my grades up through all the shit people put me through. 


He thinks this damn divorce hasnt impacted me???

Just please end it already. 

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll. Weed, Speed and Birth Control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and let's get high